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Things are beginning to look up, yay.
Today I start collecting Real Data. I found an EEG data analysis service (seriously!) and those guys have been lifesavers. Expensive lifesavers. But lifesavers, nonetheless. I haven't had to pay them anything yet, but the fee we've negotiated so far is kinda ... up there. I really am in no position to complain -- I have a non-negotiable deadline and they have the expertise and manpower to get the job done, and well. I very much appreciate their knowledge and responsiveness so far. Over the past month I've been dealing with software incompatibility nightmares (EEG clinical software is highly proprietary and doesn't like to talk with other software, such as the data analysis software my new consultants are using), but we finally have it resolved.
Dear Advisor and I did have to tweak the procedure a bit, which was a little unnerving and felt a little last-minute-ish, but I think it's a good improvement and should yield us much better results than we would have gotten otherwise. So I'll collect the first session's data today, label each of the EEG data segments, get it converted to the special universal format, and send it to my consultants' FTP site and they should be able to give me raw results by next week. In time for LONDON!
Panic... panic.... panic... yes. London. Leaving on the 9th and presenting on the 12th. On this methodology. Which, at the time they requested the power point slides, was in the middle of being revamped. Hopefully I'll be able to use a revised version of the presentation, though I tried to be vague enough in the version I sent that I could get away with any subsequent changes. When that presentation is done, I think I'll be able to relax a little bit. And enjoy the trip, and not think too much about this whole dissertation thing.
Until then, I plan to collect all my data (4 sessions) and start qualitatively analyzing it. The next couple weeks feel very claustrophobic, and if I wake early in the morning (say, if Julia has a bad dream and cries out in the night, then falls back asleep right away) I lie awake in an anxious state, running through everything that needs to be done. Just trying to think of something going on in my life that is relaxing is hard. But, interestingly, what worked this morning was the knowledge that at some point, kiddo #2 will be born and I won't have to worry about any of this stuff for a little while -- just him. Which was relaxing. And lovely. So, for a change, thinking about Two of Two didn't send me into a panic. I do think I can write this up before he arrives, and even if not, I have time to finish by next April. Not that I want to wait that long, but it's all gonna be okay. As long as I get the data collected soon, I'll feel pretty good that I can write this up over the summer. I do well at that "writing things up over the summer thing" -- the last two summers have shown that, at least.
Forward, ho!!!!
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Hey, I know. It's been a while.
I feel like I honestly have little to share, but in actuality, a lot has been going on, kinda. What's not going on is my dissertation, which, as much as I try to be zen about it, is leaving me in a big funk.
First, I shall share the good news, which relates to why I'm in such a funk: I'm pregnant! And yes, of course it was planned because we had the frozen embryo left over from the cycle that led to Julia. And after fighting the baby bug but wrestling with, "Well, is NOW really a good time for this? Well, is there ever a really good time?" we decided to go ahead and give it a try. Thankfully the whole process was much, much less stressful and agonzing than the fresh IVF cycles were in order to get Julia -- it almost felt too easy, really, which is kinda silly because I still had to deal with invasive tests and injections and pills and stuff, but it was on a much smaller, more manageable scale. All is going well, and I'm due 9/25/10.
Which leads back to the dissertation. The thinking was, when we were gearing up for getting pregnant back in October/November, that I had plenty of time to collect my data and write this thing up and defend it before the kid came. I was still aiming for a May graduation, actually, but even when that reality bus left town I was alright with it -- at least the dissertation would be done. But in rolled another reality bus. And I feel like it's run me down.
I have this consultant. Electrical engineer. Nice guy. Really smart. Knows his shit. Said he'd be happy to work with me on my project in order to process my EEG data so I can get brain mapping and other cool stuff done. When he found out that I couldn't offer him co-authorship on articles that would come out of the project he seemed a bit disappointed, but I was willing to pay him well for his time, we negotiated a flat fee, and I got started.
He's had my test data now since... oh, before winter break started. We've met a few times now to work out some technical questions he had, but he's really done nothing since. I'm dying of frustration. I've nudged. I've prodded. I've told him my advisor is getting ansty. I told him I was pregnant and needed the data ASAP. I even offered him the opportunity to write a technical article based on his work with me.
And nothing. Oh, he's apologetic, and tells me that "you're at the top of my discretionay To-Do List, I'll get to it!" Very sweet. And I sigh. And get off the phone. And go cry. I'm at my wit's end.
My latest email to him over the weekend offered him money for babysitting, funds to buy out his time for the lab he manages at school, me personally doing grunt work for him. Short of sleeping with the man, I'll do it.
No response yet.
Today I've begun looking for a backup consultant. And I am trying to not cry again. Is it that horrible to not get this written before the baby comes? How crazy will my life be if it doesn't get done? Am I just frustrating myself for no good reason?
Regardless, even if my current consultant turns it around now, I worry about how quickly he can process my real data. Which, oh, yeah, I haven't collected yet because we've been waiting to see how the test data came out. Though this is the most time-consuming part of the process, working out the programming to run all the analyses. So theoretically it's much simpler to process the real data once we know what we're doing.
But if my research experiences have taught me anything, it's that you can't assume that anything will go smoothly.
I wish I could have a beer.
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Thursday, December 31st, 2009
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So after musing on how things come full-circle in the last post, I took a moment to reflect on what I had done over the past year. And it's a shitload of stuff! I thought I'd itemize to help me feel better about where I am right now:
- Submitted two full grant applications to two major organizations
- ***Completed and defended my dissertation proposal***
- Became a more active member of the regional MT research committee
- Taught another semester of MT methods class
- Nearly finished off my GIM supervisions -- only 2 left!
- Published a book review
- started collecting and analyzing data for the dissertation
- Submitted a 3rd (and less-involved) grant application to the grad school
- Submitted 2 abstracts for presenting at the 2010 Euro congress and a London Neuro MT conference
At home, we painted and fixed things around the house, and had major work done on the trees on our lot for the first time since we moved here 9 years ago. Julia got her room tidied up and her closet renovated, and moved out of her crib into a big-girl bed. She's started potty-training, too. Neil finished his next-to-last semester of his LLM in tax and estate planning and only has one. more. class (which he has to take this coming spring) before he's totally and utterly finished with law school. Neil and I had a great getaway in Las Vegas, and saw the Grand Canyon for the first time.
It's been a busy year... and a wonderful year. And I will remind myself all of these things and more so that I will not beat myself up for not finishing as much as I'd hoped or for not keeping the house as clean as I'd like. We are, indeed, happy as clams and I love our life.
Happy New Year, dear friends, and cheers to the old!
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Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
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So a year ago, the McGrunts were in England, and I think at this moment we were having some just-us time in Wales, touring castles and swimming in the heated pool at the guest cottages where we were staying. Then we went to London, and came home, and I was so so so bummed to be back here. I am missing England again this Christmas. We didn't go this year because we couldn't afford it, and because we figured I'd be neck-deep in dissertation writing. Well, we still can't afford it, but the dissertation writing has come to a near-stop while I wait for my test EEG data to get processed. So we enjoyed Christmas here, and I've been trying to keep myself occupied. It's not hard, there's always things to do, but I did get wistful for England again.
And then in my email comes this call for papers for a conference in London next summer. About neurological research in music therapy. And engineering collaborating with music therapy. Holy crap, it's like the whole thing was put together just for my research! Well, not exactly... the organizers are doing research primarily in r/t "neurodisability" and my research doesn't get into that at all, _but_ I did check with them and they're welcoming any papers about neuro research in MT. So yesterday I put an abstract together and I'm going to finalize it today. Awesome. I've also applied to present at the European Congress in Spain in May of next year, so if I got accepted to present at both that would be hilarious. May in Spain and June in London. The logistics would be interesting, but we could figure something out if it came down to it. Heck, just let me daydream on this scenario, alright? :)
But I did find it funny that last year, close to this time, I was realizing I'd need to really start networking if I ever wanted to do any work in England, and here the opportunities are coming. Very cool. I think this coming spring and summer will be conference crazy, though, if this all comes to pass -- have to work up something for the regional conference in the spring (being on the research committee has its perks as well as responsibilities) as well as these other ones, if they come through. I hope to hear in the next several days if my proposal was accepted from the Euro Congress, fingers crossed.
In the meantime, though I was wistful for England, we did have a lovely Christmas here at home -- quiet but fun and full of laughter and storytelling, as only my mom and my sister can make it. And Julia is now at an age where she is cognizant of what's going on, and was absolutely psyched to get so many cool presents and enjoy everyone's company. She continues to grow physically and cognitively by leaps and bounds, and blows our mind every day. One of her Christmas presents was an old-school Jack-in-the-Box, and every time the Jack popped up out of the box, she would say, "That's Susie!" Neil and I couldn't figure out why she was calling it Susie... until she finally said once, "Susie woke up!" And then Neil remembered that he'd been playing a lot of Everly Brothers in the car lately, including their classic hit, "Wake Up, Little Susie"... and all the pieces fell into place. Fantastic.
Hope whoever is reading this (who the hell does read this anyway?) had a wonderful Christmas and will have a great and fortuitous New Year. We are excited here for what's to come, while enjoying all the wonderfulness we have today.
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Thursday, December 10th, 2009
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Been a bit too disgusted and stressed out to post here lately. Not that life's all that bad, but by the time I had a moment to reflect, the fact that I had a moment free was annoying. So.
Long story short-ish: it took forever to get the test data collection session arranged at the EEG lab, three weeks, in fact. In the meantime, I had applied for a last-chance grant through the graduate school. In that nomination paperwork, Dear Advisor said many wonderful things (which humbled me greatly) and also said that he thought I would graduate by May. Of 2010. And that I was punctual and responsible, etc., etc. Now, until that point I had given up on finishing in time for next May, but here Dear Advisor was saying I could really do it. As part of my application I also had to create a timeline showing _how_ I would do it. It's tacked up above my desk, with Dear Advisor's signature on it. In order to do this, I'd have to have a draft written by February, and working backwards, I really needed all the data collected by the end of November.
So here it was, mid-November, and I still didn't even have my test data collected, let alone any other data collected. I didn't get my test session done until after the national conference (which was really lovely, I'm glad I went), and now I've been dealing with what Advisor calls "data death" = I'm ready to get it statistically analyzed, but my consultant isn't free right now b/c he's a full-time prof, dealing with end-of-the-semester hell, so I've lost another week of work.
Add to this, I didn't get the grad school dissertation grant. I had to wait an extra three weeks after the announcement date to find out that I'd lost that money because the administrator was trying to get the dean to make extra grants. Which all sounds very weird, but that's what I was told. So I still have NO money. Which really discouraged me, I had done loads of work on these applications and fell victim to 1) naivete (NIH); 2) Politics (MT association grant); and 3) who knows what else. It's not the end of the world, we'll get loan money and we'll make it through, it's just really disgusting to have done all that work and not get anything for it.
And so I meet with Dear Advisor yesterday and share with him how frustrated I am about the progress of the research, and learn that he'd only said he thought I could graduate in May because he thought that's what the graduate school wanted to see on the grant application. He's not at all thinking that I'll be ready for a spring defense. Alright, okay. So let's take a deep breath. I can still take all next semester to work on this, and not kill myself, and do a good job, and that's okay. I wouldn't be able to walk in May, which would be a bummer (b/c I really want to walk graduation, and they only do it in May) but the important thing is: I would be done.
For now, this means that I don't have to be a complete Scrooge and I can perhaps enjoy Christmas, in a Bob Cratchit sort of way. Though I'll still keep progressing and collect data as quickly as I can, and do what I can when I can. The Serenity Prayer is echoing in my head now, and I'll take that as a sign. Tomorrow, instead of sending Julia to daycare as I'd planned, we'll stay home and bake cookies instead, I think.
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Tuesday, October 20th, 2009
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Not a lot going on over here, but things may get busy very soon. And I am beginning to foresee an extremely crazy few months coming up, so I am preparing myself.
So the dissertation proposal is all defended (yay!), and I sent off the protocol to the IRB (the university ethics board) for their approval of the research. In the meantime, I learned that I did not get either of the two grants I applied for in the spring. Which sucks big fat hairy donkey balls, but now that the anger and self-flagellation is over I can say that I did learn a lot from writing those damn things, and I will definitely win the next grant I apply for, whenever that happens.
So while it is looking a little dismal financially (I have no assistantship, no job, no grant $, and I have to fund a dissertation study), I've got a couple irons in the fire that I hope will lead to a better situation for me, for us, etc. So I'll keep you posted.
I have also looked at a timeline that would allow me to graduate next May. It's technically possible, especially since I am focusing only on the dissertation. It will be a shitload of work and stress, but that's how these things get done. For now, I need to collect data as soon as I get IRB approval, which means recruiting and getting everything ready on the EEG side and lining up my consultants to be ready to analyze data. In fact, today I am taking care of a little technicality on my IRB application, and so I should be all approved to start collecting data by the end of this week.
Simultaneously, I'm getting emails about all these academic positions opening up and it's a little weird and exciting and "Oh, crap, I might have to apply for one of these things." I'm not seeing the Dream Job yet, though. So I'll hang in there and see what else comes up. But the next six months or so, with all this dissertating and potential job hunting and, oh, right, trying to publish a couple things will make for a crazy period of time. I will remember to breathe, above all, and hold on.
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Thursday, September 3rd, 2009
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So Facebook is pretty fucking amazing, I will say. It also can be a little disturbing in regard to how easily old classmates/ex boyfriends/people you don't want to speak with anymore can find you. But right now I'm on the more positive, if sad, side of Facebook.
So, between age 4 and 15 I lived in a very rural area of Illinois southwest of Chicago. My parents built an A-frame house and an electricity-generating windmill and tilled a huge garden and we had geese. I went to a very rural school and had the same classmates all the way through high school. That is, until we moved away to suburban Lancaster, PA when I was 15. But my freshman class in IL had 30 kids, so we were a very small group, we knew everyone's business, that's how it was.
Years later, my sister had heard a rumor that one of my classmates--a very popular, gregarious and somewhat troublemaking young woman--had died tragically, but we never did learn the details. It seemed pretty crazy, it was very hard to imagine this girl (Bonnie) dead. But, 20 years after we moved away, enter Facebook.
I found a group for my old high school (which doesn't exist anymore) and joined it, but didn't seek out any of my classmates in particular. But soon enough a couple of them found me and Friended me. We had a couple wall chats to catch up a little bit, but the other day I noticed in one classmate's photos references to Bonnie, and how she had passed away. So I decided to try the internet and (after having to subscribe to a news archive service and give over my credit card #.. grr...) found out the amazing, horrifying story. To save the trouble of retelling it myself, I'll post it below. But I am rather haunted by it today, it's so very sad, though Bonnie and I certainly weren't close (we were opponents in the 8th grade class presidential election, and she totally creamed me), we were friendly classmates. Just shows how lucky we are sometimes to be here and to live each day we have.
(from the Joliet Herald-News, June 1, 1999)
MORRIS -- Eric Rasmusson wears a wedding ring on his left hand. It's a reminder of sorts, a tribute to his fiancee who died two months before they were to marry.
He still bears the scars of his physical injuries, but it's the hidden scars that bother him the most.
They haunt his sleep, and remind him of what was lost and how far he has come over the course of a year.
On Memorial Day last year, May 25, the small airplane in which he and his fiancee, Bonnie Kelly, 23, were flying crashed in a wheat field southwest of Morris, killing her on impact and leaving him seriously injured.
A year later, 34-year-old Rasmusson is not facing the anticipation of his first wedding anniversary, but the anniversary of another life-changing event.
"When I think back on it, this whole thing has been intense," he said. "Intense hurtfully, sure, but also intense powerfully and good.
"I feel blessed that God has let me experience what I have experienced this past year.
I don't personally know too many people who have gotten to go through what I've gone through.
In looking at this whole situation, I could easily concentrate on how much I lost and my hurt, but the only reason it hurts and is so painful and lonely is because my time with Bonnie was so good."
Rasmusson is not angry; it is not in his nature to have regrets.
He takes comfort in knowing that he and Bonnie were in love and were doing something they mutually loved -- flying -- when she died. Flying brought them together
Flying had been an integral part of both of their lives.
Bonnie, the daughter of former Grundy County Coroner Bill Kelly and his wife, Linda, worked at the Morris Airport when she was only 14. She quickly realized it was what she wanted to do with her life, and she obtained her flight instructor's license four years after graduating from Seneca High School.
Similarly, Rasmusson is an avid pilot.
He took up flying when he was 17, obtained his instructor's license four years later and worked as a first officer for American Airlines for almost seven years.
Like Bonnie, he was working as a flight instructor at Morris Airport when they met in 1996.
That they were flying last Memorial Day is not surprising.
"We were flying a Piper J-3 Cub that afternoon," he said.
"It's a high-wing, fabric airplane, one person sits in front of another, and the right-side window folds up and the door folds down.
You can fly with the wind in your hair.
It gives you a lot of freedom." It was their favorite aircraft.
Individually, they had flown it countless times, using it sometimes to instruct students.
As a couple, they had probably flown it 40 or 50 times together, Rasmusson estimated. Late afternoon flight
The fateful evening started with a late-afternoon flight down the Illinois River.
The couple waved at the boaters below, and looked for the smiles of people craning their necks to watch the plane pass overhead.
On the return trip up the river, they took a detour to fly over a friend's house outside of Morris, where two of Bonnie's older brothers were celebrating the holiday with a picnic.
According accounts from the Kelly brothers, the airplane circled over the house for a minute or so, flying low enough so picnickers could see the couple waving.
The two-seater plane then banked for a turn, and the engine unexpectedly quit.
The small craft plummeted to the earth.
"Actually, her brothers say we just floated down to land," Rasmusson said. "They say it was very graceful.
The wings were almost level when the plane hit the wheat, real thick wheat.
The landing gear probably got tangled, and it snuffed us nose-first into the ground."
Bonnie's brothers, Mike and Brian, witnessed the accident, and they were the first to arrive on the scene.
They had not expected the horror they would find.
"Brian said they weren't really that worried driving out to the crash site," Rasmusson said.
"It hadn't looked that serious, I guess.
But when they saw their sister, they knew.
They just knew right then that she had died."
Sitting in her traditional front seat, Bonnie suffered a broken neck, killing her instantly.
Rasmusson, who was seated in the rear, was thrown through his seat belt and was left hanging half way out the open right side of the plane.
Cut, bruised and coughing up blood, Rasmusson was flown by helicopter to Loyola University Medical Center, where he spent 10 days. Assessing his injuries
During those initial four days at Loyola, doctors placed Rasmusson in an an induced coma to better assess his injuries.
He slept through the anguish of Bonnie's wake and funeral.
His jaw was broken in two places, his lung collapsed, his lower back injured, and his right heel was shattered.
Of all the injuries, it was the heel that concerned his doctors most.
"I was informed that the normal procedure for such a serious injury to the foot is amputation below the knee because they can't do anything with the heel in such a condition," Rasmusson said.
"But my doctor decided to try a procedure he had tried only once before successfully.
There was still a high chance of infection, which could have resulted in amputation of the foot anyway."
The heel was partially reconstructed, and the foot was saved.
Rasmusson was left with a gaping hole 3 to 4 inches wide and about 2 inches high.
And until the wound healed and formed new tissues and blood vessels, pain medications were of little use.
He spent agonizingly slow days and nights confined to a hospital bed.
His jaw wired shut for six weeks, Rasmusson was fed through a tube in his stomach.
He could barely speak.
He couldn't walk.
He couldn't sleep.
Rasmusson felt as if he were in hell.
"Loyola was a really confusing time," he admitted.
"I guess the first thing I remember is when Dad told me about Bonnie.
That was probably on Friday, the 29th. And I remember this feeling like it happened yesterday.
I just couldn't figure it out. `What do you mean we crashed? How could we do that? What do you mean she didn't make it?' I almost have the same feeling today, I guess.
Disbelief still.
How could that have happened? How could we possibly have gotten into something we couldn't get ourselves out of? It's just so hard to figure out."
But he also realized he was lucky -- and blessed to have a wide circle of caring family and friends. Slow recovery
When Rasmusson left the hospital, his parents moved a bed to the main floor their Morris farmhouse for him.
The familiarity of his surroundings helped.
"Emotionally, things couldn't sink in at the hospital," Rasmusson said. "There wasn't time for that.
It wasn't until I got home that it hit me emotionally.
It was wonderful to have so many people around, night and day. It was nonstop people in and out of that house for probably five straight weeks.
And that's pretty amazing."
But it was also tough.
His parents, Curt and Esther, had no training in nursing.
They had to learn how to use a feeding tube, how to get him to a restroom when he couldn't walk, how to clean his healing foot -- and when to give him a hug or a caring ear when he needed it.
"I had to experience a lot of `firsts' all over again," he said.
"The first time to get a full night's sleep.
The first time to eat solid food.
The first time to walk on my own.
The first time going to church again and visiting my own home.
"Those were tough," he said.
"After three months total, reality had sunk in.
And it was real.
And I knew I wasn't going to see Bonnie for a while. It was like someone kicking you in the stomach over and over and over.
"Emptiness.
Loneliness.
I felt like I wasn't whole anymore, as if half of me was missing.
It was painful.
I didn't even know how to go on.
I went through a period of two weeks around this time which was my low point.
I didn't want to be here anymore.
I wasn't suicidal.
I mean, thoughts ran through my head, more than just passing thoughts, but I never would have carried them out."
What got him out of that period of despair, he said, was Bonnie.
It was her memory which helped him find the strength to go on.
"That was largely my attitude for all the `firsts,'" Rasmusson said.
"I just told myself I was going to do it.
It's tough, but it's a good tough." Returned to flying
His weeks now are filled with work.
He's back in his own home, west of Morris, and he's returned to farming with his dad and driving a truck in his spare time.
He even has returned to flying.
His life, in many ways, is returning to normal.
On the weekends, he devotes himself to church, family and friends.
He spends time with Bonnie's daughter, Sanjel, who is now 5 and living in Mazon with her father.
She reminds him of Bonnie.
They talk about her mom.
He stares again at the gold band on his left hand.
He twists it and looks at it in the light.
It is the ring Bonnie would have slipped on his finger last August.
"I put on the wedding ring on our wedding date last Aug. 1," Rasmusson said.
"I didn't really know what to do, so I just invited our families and our close friends.
It was a perfect day.
It was almost a celebration of Bonnie's life, in a way.
And the ring has given me some comfort since I've had it on.
It's been part of the grieving process for me, I guess."
Bill Kelly Jr. (right) embraces Eric Rasmusson, who sky-dived one year and a day after the Memorial Day plane crash that killed his fiancee, Bonnie Kelly. The plane carrying the couple went down in a wheat field in rural Morris. Bill, Bonnie's older brother asked Rasmusson what he was going to do after sky-diving from 14,000 feet. "Plant beans," the 35-year-old replied. (1) | A year ago, Eric Rasmusson's doctors considered amputating his right foot because he shattered his heel in a plane crash. Doctors tried a reconstructive procedure to save the foot. (2) | Eric Rasmusson straps on a helmet before sky diving on his 35th birthday. The jump was a tribute to his fiancee, who died the year before. | The couple had planned to sky-dive his 34th birthday. (3) | Kimberly Bunge,7, sits close to Uncle Eric as he relaxes in the living room of his parent's home in Morris. The suport of his family played an integral part of Eric Rasmusson's physical and emotional healing.
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Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
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Well, another summer's writing is mostly done -- just like last year, I busted my butt to meet a deadline for another defense. This time, it was only the dissertation proposal (as opposed to seven different projects), but it was certainly NO less work. Definitely more complicated, more in-depth -- I often felt way over my head. Wading through all the EEG research that fried my own brain in order to comprehend it, then somehow switching back to music therapy literature that swung me around 180 degrees was crazy. I found it funny that, yet again, I was straddling epistemological fences. Was I writing a quantitative, numbers-based, clear-cut study, or was I writing a mushy gooey qualitative study all about personal experience?
And yesterday I had a realization that made me laugh--I've always been straddling this fence (you'd think it would be uncomfy by now) of spiritual, feelings-based reality and hard science-physics-based reality. (I was very nearly a double-major in astrophysics and flute performance.) Music therapy has, until now, allowed me to continue to be on both sides at the same time. Now, however, for this study where I am examining both of these things, I ultimately had to choose a side. Yes. I had to make up my mind -- who was going to get the final word?
In the end, I had to pick the science. My question is what is really out there? What is the hard truth? And I can't answer that question based on feelings and experiences that are only true for each individual.
Which kinda makes me sad, because I went into my master's thinking I was all about relative truth, spiritual experiences in music, blah, blah, blah. My personal spiritual life has certainly changed a lot since then, I am questioning a lot more and definitely am not trusting organized religion as much as I used to. But that's not to say I don't believe spirituality is useless or nonexistent -- hardly. And so I am still straddling the fence, and certainly so for this study. And I'm sure some real hard-core positivists would laugh at my notion of being in their camp with this odd mixed-method thing I'm writing. But hey. I like doing things differently. :)
So now I just have to edit and get this thing out the door, and maybe actually get some stuff done around the house before the summer is over. :( Such is the academic life, I'm finding.
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I'm totally tweaked out. If that's the phrase. I'm published (again)! This time on my own, this time just a little book review, but ... this time it is a little different. Because I dared, dared to actually critique the book. I actually pointed out several flaws in the author's presentation and reasoning, while also commending the good parts of the book (of which there were many).
But, for some reason, in the MT world, people don't usually properly critique books. There's a lot of ass-kissing and warm-and-fuzzy goodness that goes on, and I'm not sure why it needs to be that way. The field can't grow if we deny having differences of opinion, and it seems to me that those differences are only amplified in this kind of atmosphere. Yet again my university will gain a point for being a "troublemaker" because I didn't glow endlessly about this author's brilliance in this little review. And maybe this is why I didn't publish it for 3 years, I was too nervous to put it out there, but my advisor and his colleagues all said it needed to be out there. So ... I took a deep breath and sent it out. It was accepted no problem (book reviews aren't usually difficult to get accepted), and I've been waiting several months to see it.
Now I'm bracing myself for fallout, backlash, whatever. So far nothing negative has come through the email box yet, but a distant friend did compliment me for it already (before the journal issue had even arrived at my house!). I find this position very unnerving to be in. I'm high on taking the risk, of calling a spade a spade, and yet also scared to death of what this might do for my future in academia. I know a single book review won't ruin my future, but still -- this is a weird, incestuous, political field. We shall see.
In the meantime, I'm tweaked. Ready to wrestle with anyone who has a problem with the damn review.
Come on. I can take you.
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So I have finally been able to separate a bit from school stuff, had a few days to relax with Neil and Julia, and I'm feeling good. Yeah.
Even had some time to surf over to LLR's conservative (cRazY conservative) blog and get myself worked up a bit. The woman is incredibly intelligent, throws around $2 words as if she were a verbal millionaire and overflows with self-righteousness that would make any televangelist appear weak-kneed and infantile in comparison. But her logic is consistently flawed, rife with strawmen and inconsistency, and yet her blogging peers consider her infallible.
Since I can't link directly to this blog (I do want to preserve hers and my identity a bit) I'll link to a blog that this conservative thing linked to in order to show the kind of thinking that goes on:
http://www.firstthings.com/blog.php?blog_link=secondhand-smoke
It astounds me how insulated these people must be to think that anyone who holds views contrary to theirs are completely evil and utterly inhuman in their actions. That materialism = total loss of morals, that abortion is absolutely and always wrong and murder, etc. I can't go on, I'll start biting off my keyboard. I have to reassure myself that these are the loud minority, a vocal and tiny group, and that the internet is a place where just about anyone can post their crap. But I can't help but get anxious when I see the quality of thought that people in these blogs possess. I fear for our world's future, I really do.
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So the second grant application is in. Instead of waves of relief, or feeling my kinked-up neck unknotting, or a mild case of euphoria, I am feeling rather meh about it. The application is good, kick-ass, even, but despite my attempts to make it appealing to the audience to whom it is directed, I fear that it will be regarded as not at all up their alley. In short, it may be a lead balloon in music therapy land. Bah.
And while I don't mind going against the national political grain in my field -- I welcome it, really -- it's when it gets to affecting my personal professional life that it starts to hit home. Maybe now I'm really earning my stripes, because unless these conflicts directly affect you, it's all theoretical stuff anyway.
But in really practical terms, what does this mean if my dissertation doesn't get funded? If I get neither the NIH thing or this thing? I guess I'll just have to pay for it myself, somehow. Or find yet another source, but at this point putting together another grant application may mean not getting funded until winter, maybe. And I'll probably be ready to start come September/October or so. How frustrating to be set to go, but just be short on cash. ARGH.
Anyway, for now, though, I really need to just recover from this incredibly insane semester. I still have final grades to work out for my class, but after that I can seriously chill out. And do really lovely concrete things like.... cleaning! And gardening! Whoohoo! Still have some RA hours to make up, but that looks manageable and shouldn't impact the summer too much.
In the meantime, Julia is thriving and lovely. And becoming so sweetly self-aware -- last night just as I was about to put her to bed, she said, "Julia sad." I think it was just because the day was ending and she didn't want to go to bed yet. But when I reminded her that she had her bunny and the music playing (gotta love those transitional objects) she was fine and went to sleep without a whimper. What a girl.
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Saturday, April 4th, 2009
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It's just past mid-semester... maybe more like 2/3 of it, now.
I've just submitted my NIH grant application. Whoooo. Hoooooo. That was an incredibly OCD, nitpicky, busting-my-bum kinda project. I better get something good out of all that.
And at the least, yes, I did get my introduction to the Dissertation written as part of the grant writing process, so I have that all sorted at least. And Dear Advisor really really liked it. YAY. What's especially nice is that I had a feeling it was really good, and so it was good to have him corroborate that. I think I'll be able to trust myself even more when I sense that I've done good work.
It's been a good semester with Dear Advisor so far, and I am very glad I've had these opportunities to work with him. He's been somewhat hands-off with the teaching supervision, but when necessary he's been critiquing me and doing so in a very loving, respectful way. I'm not sure I expected that, and it's been really wonderful. Because of course, I probably would beat myself up far more than he really could anyway. The biggest "ah ha" moment was in realizing that I don't have to rely on books and theories to teach this class, because that's not what I know. So why teach from there, an area I am weak in, when I am perfectly capable of teaching from my own knowledge base -- doesn't matter if I've never worked with kids, I know the basics and that's all my students need to know right now. And so why make my life so stressful by prepping for hours and hours when I can do a far more effective job just getting into the music and experimenting? And that's what the students want anyway, so we all win, big-time. So that revelation has helped me a lot this month, truly.
I am not going to work today. At least, not on school stuff. I need a break desperately, and so I'm going to relax during Ju's nap, and I think we'll go out and play in a little while. Yay. Work can wait until tomorrow and that's as it should be.
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So never mind the previous entry -- I didn't get to the second round of that award process, though putting together the proposal was interesting and got me thinking about possibilities for making that UK connection somehow. Though I won't be able to do much about it in the near future, I think it's worth thinking about making some networking stops along the way for our next trip over there.
In the meantime, this is the craziest month ever, and I am working hard -- to not panic, to be systematic to get shit done, to keep head above water. When I feel overwhelmed, I do have to remind myself of what I've been able to accomplish in terms of getting practical details for the dissertation worked out -- this week I met with a neurologist and techs at the outpatient EEG lab at the hospital where I will probably conduct my research, and got a lot of technical information and answers for the method worked out. The people there, while busy, were so helpful and supportive, and I think it's going to be great working with them. I have to remind myself, though, that good research starts by making the time to network and relate to the people who can make or break the whole project. So it does me no good to get impatient or frazzled, even if I have to wait around at the hospital for a couple hours to meet with someone. Ugh. Just need to be prepared for those times.
But I am busting my ass to write a fellowship grant app for the NIH (dear God, _THE_ NIH?!!? Who am I to be doing such a thing?) which is due at the beginning of April for this cycle. I think my chances of getting it are slim, really, but the experience of writing it will be good prep for another major grant I'm applying for with a deadline in May. Because I really need the money to do this -- gotta pay the techs to set up the EEGs, gotta pay the doc to read the EEGS, probably have to pay for the lab materials, and I have to be able to eat! I won't have an assistantship after this semester, probably, and my future (limited) employment prospect that I was promised looks shaky enough (due to those shrinking budgets of the day) that I won't even mention it here. Health care? Mortgage payment? Daycare? Oy. Neil's new lawyer salary (and lack of reasonable premiums for benefits) isn't enough to do it all by itself, so I have to find some bucks. Wish me luck.
All this means that I probably won't be able to defend the proposal this spring, but likely August or so. Who knows if I can graduate by May of '10, but I'll just keep plugging away.
Back to it... hello, grindstone...
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Sunday, January 25th, 2009
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How weird would it be if I was able to scrounge up a proposal to do some music therapy thing in England this summer and won a bunch of $$ to do it?
Got nominated for an award which requires me to write up a proposal by Feb. 1st for some project (outside of my schoolwork, that can't interfere with my schoolwork); the award would fund said project up to a pretty ridiculous amount of $$. Now, it's obviously competitive and there's non-MT people up for it too (several MTs in the running as well), and the last thing I need is to start another project. But finishing the GIM training, that might be a possibility... so if I could quickly work out some logistics, that would be pretty sweet. Neil even says to go for it. Might begin to get me some schmoozing time over there, too. So I guess we'll see what I can whip up.
In the meantime, I highly recommend Writing Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes a Day. Gotten me a little more grounded and less overwhelmed with the Great Diss. I think it's gonna kick ass, if I can pull it off. So I just gotta make myself a schedule and stick to it.
Tomorrow I teach my first class for the semester, so wish me luck -- about twice the size of last year's class, and I'm being supervised by Dear Advisor this semester -- intimidating as hell, but also I'm certain will be ann extremely rich and rewarding experience. I'm strangely looking forward to it. We'll see how I feel about that in a month or two.
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Tuesday, January 6th, 2009
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Back from our Christmas and New Year's holiday in England -- which was simply wonderful, truly. I am wishing at the moment that we could just turn around and go back again, not just because of the mountain of work that awaits me at home, but because we really did have a fantastic and relaxing time. Julia got to play with her relatives (three little cousins, a fourth on the way), and we got to relax and play in Cornwall and Wales, and even though it was bitterly cold I thoroughly enjoyed walking Julia around castles and medieval walls.
And yes, it's still impossible to get a decent cup of coffee in England, and yes, I do feel my nutritional intake is less than stellar there because it seems so much harder to eat decently, and yes, things are generally more expensive there, and yes, there is the awkwardness of dealing with that one side of Neil's family.... but it really would be incredible if we could somehow figure out a way to live there, even just part-time. London. Oh, dearest London, it would be great to live there again.
And yes, London's air is dirty, and yes, it's a crazy, high-strung city, and yes, we'd have to live in a tiny place if we moved back there, and yes, there's always some kind of political drama there (got caught up in an anti-Israel protest on Saturday while trying to meet up with Neil and Julia at Kensington Gardens, THAT was slightly scary). But it's LONDON -- beautiful and rich and so cosmopolitan and fun. It was a bit different experiencing it with a toddler this time, that's for sure, but we still enjoyed it nonetheless.
While walking around London this past weekend, Neil and I mused about how we could get back there. How could we make this happen? And basically, our only option is to come into a large sum of money somehow. And neither of us have any rich relatives about to kick the bucket, and so we're stuck with the lottery or some crazy impossible-to-conceive and just as unlikely to happen scenario. I still think that maybe, someday, I could find a way to get lecturing gigs over there during the summers or something, but I haven't been networking with the British Music Therapy scene like I should in order to make such an opportunity happen. So maybe it's time I start thinking about that. Which means somehow finding someone over there who would be willing to share with me what would make me appealing to the BSMT folk. Another long-term project I don't really need.
Because here's the List:
- dissertation. Which includes finding $ for next year (probably won't get an assistantship) and generally getting my ass in gear. It's all so overwhelming right now, and I feel like I'm getting nowhere.
- GIM training. Oh yeah, THAT. I seriously need to wrap this up. And I suspect that it might help in the UK networking thing, too, since perhaps I could do something along the lines of training over there? I don't think anyone's doing that currently.
- The house: The garbage disposal died while we were away, and I've already bought a new one, but then of course we need to install it. My sister, who has been living with us the last few months (another long story) is now moving out, which means we have some space to tackle projects like the shelves that fell off the wall in Julia's room (which became my sister's room, as now Julia's in the study). And there's the crumbling plaster in the dining room for which we have no idea what could be the cause, and the awful water pressure that really requires a new water inlet pipe from the street to really fix. That's just the urgent stuff -- there's things that's needed to be done for a while, like window shades here in the back room where I work and a new rug and shades/curtains for the living room...
- Neil's Christmas present - which is a faboo idea, but will take time to execute. I've already enlisted help for it, but I fear it'll be another long project.
So how to make time for it all? Is it time to admit that I really do have a full-time job between my assistantship and the dissertation, and send Ju to daycare for at least 4 days/week? Ugh. I will be mulling this over, methinks.
More to mull over later -- but for now, the little one is eating dinner, and poor jetlagged child needs a little extra love.
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Wednesday, November 26th, 2008
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Emerging from a sea of neurophenomenological and philosophical reading...
What's been nice with Ju going to daycare is that I now have lots of time to do work -- fabulous time. And much of it on the computer. And that's not necessarily good, because I am highly distractible and find myself checking facebook or my email or other favorite websites a hundred times whenever whatever I'm doing becomes the slightest bit boring or tedious. Need to come up with a plan for that.
One of the things I have been checking up on of late is the website and blog of my Long Lost Relative (who shall hereafter be known as LLR). LLR is an extremely intelligent person, a professor, a philosopher (though I'm a bit ambivalent calling her that, but that's her self-appointed title) and one who shares an uncanny list of other characteristics with me, though we have never met. On the other hand, she couldn't be more opposite -- crazy Christian conservative, and socially and politically conservative as well. Neil accuses me of "stalking" her on the net. Maybe I am, and the fact that I can't bring myself to post responses to her writing (even anonymously) probably confirms that. On the other hand, I know I certainly couldn't ever say anything that would change her mind. She is absolutely anti-abortion under any circumstances. Devout in her appreciation for the "one holy, catholic and apostolic church." Homeschools the kids. And blames liberals and Muslims for all that is evil in today's world.
Today, though, in particular, I want to show her all this cool stuff I'm reading, as it's fantastic -- Ken Wilber, Francisco Varela... I think she'd probably like it to an extent, though I'm sure she'd detect some liberal thoughts in there that would turn her off in an instant. Though it shouldn't -- much of it jibes with some of her philosophical writings (which, on the surface, seem quite defensive) -- that externalism doesn't sufficiently explain the world, let alone consciousness; that spirituality can and does exist somehow, even if not objectively verifiable, etc. It's the part in Wilber where he makes the point of accepting "all views, all the time" that would probably get him in trouble -- more liberal relativism there, which doesn't fit with LLR's belief in infalliable truth... which is out there, somewhere.
All of the reading, though, is somehow related to the Great Dissertation. Holy Cow. And it's only expanding what I see possible in my research. It'll prolly piss off Dear Advisor greatly when I get back to him on what I've learned, but it's his own fault -- he told me to read this stuff.
Onward... have a wonderful T-Day!!
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Saturday, November 15th, 2008
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No, this isn't about the election (though what a wonderful day that was... holy crap!)... but another genre of politics.
So, yeah, hi, it's been a while again... I've been trying to keep my head above water this semester, between running Julia around to friends for my half-assed daycare arrangements and then trying to keep up with my 20 GA hours a week. I wasn't getting my work done for the department, let alone starting my dissertation proposal. I did manage to pick one other committee member, and in briefing said member on the topic, said member offered to grab me a related dissertation while out of the country visiting the university where this dissertation was done. I tried to locate the dissertation myself, but unable to do so, I said, yeah, sure. Get it for me.
I won't go into the sordid details, but basically in getting Said Committee Member's (SCM) help with this one little thing, I opened up a can of worms that has, apparently, left me politically vulnerable in our little incestuous academic world.
Advisor and I sat down later to meet and discuss this, and he finally oriented me to the whole dissertation proposal and writing process. But Jesus, it would have been helpful to know that dissertation land is so damn political. The choice of committee members is not necessarily about their expertise, but about often about who will hamper me the least in finishing the degree. And about who will let Dear Advisor do his job and not take over the process. And until my topic is clear and set and ready, it cannot be discussed outside of Advisor's and my conversations. You'd think we were working on the Manhattan Project or something.
But I do acknowledge several things: One, I work way too independently. I really would rather not have anyone looking over my shoulder while I sort out what I want to write about. But I'm realizing that, especially with this topic, I will need to let Advisor in more. I also acknowledge that I really needed to have the time and energy to work on this in a way that I didn't really need to before with my other projects -- and that my schedule was not allowing that. Not that I was half-assed with my other projects, but they were simpler ideas, in many ways, and so I didn't have to do as much preparation before I knew what I was writing about. This thing requires so much more knowledge in philosophy and neuroscience... and I definitely am no expert in those areas.
So, I was feeling a bit distraught that I just didn't have the time to devote to my work -- and then I was waiting for a slot to open at a daycare where a friend sends her son (and she was really happy with the place). I thought I was on the waiting list... and then... poof. I called and learned that they never had me on their waiting list, so though I was supposed to start her there in November, I wasn't going to be able until next summer. Fuck.
But it's all worked out -- I realized that there's a daycare literally around the corner from us (or, rather, through my neighbor's yards), and after interviewing there and a few other places, discovered just how wonderful the place is -- and cheap! So Ju started there this past week for three days/week, and so far it's going well. And can I tell you? I am a woman of leisure. I get SO much work done while she's there -- all my GA hours are done, and I got some literature pulled for the diss as well -- and so when I'm at home, I can totally enjoy being with Ju and Neil. I think this arrangement will be wonderful for our family's quality of life.
That being said, I will enjoy some time while Ju's napping.
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Thursday, September 18th, 2008
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Yay, dear friends, I am happy to announce that I, first, finished my prelim projects in time to submit them for a defense last week, and I passed both the exam and the defense!! So now I am supposed to be working on my proposal -- which at the moment has lots of logistical questions, including sorting out #3 on my committee (the outside discipline person, who we hope can be our expert on EEG and neuro studies). Oh, the working title: "A Neurophenomenological Description of the BMGIM Experience." Mixed-method, analyzing music and imagery and EEG responses and first-person description of the imaging experience. Could be crazy, could be cool, we'll see.
In the meantime, Ju is walking! Little short distances, but gaining confidence each day. She is incredibly cute, and incredibly wonderful, even though she is discovering her will at the same time. Which means she knows how to say NO. But we parents are learning the power of distraction, so we'll see how that helps.
I am very glad, though, that I worked as hard as I did to get the projects done over the summer -- the teaching and research work is taking a lot of my time, so I have very little left over after parenting and working and tending to basic living needs. My daycare arrangement is working alright, but I wish I had a little more coverage, so I'm going to have to see if we can do anything about that.
Speaking of all this work makes me anxious to get some done while She naps... so I will update more later.
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Tuesday, August 5th, 2008
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What a killer couple weeks... and it's not done yet.
So this summer I thought I'd try to finish up a couple of my preliminary exam projects for the PhD, the last two of the seven, and in an ideal world I'd defend them this fall.
Now, in an ideal world I was going to finish these things before Julia was born, but that obviously didn't happen, and so I learned to not be too optimistic with these things. I know that they need time to be refined, to age, to become their full potential. So if I didn't finish them enough for a September defense, that was fine by me. No hurry. I could defend later in the semester.
But a colleague (who had been babysitting for me so I could make progress on these things) made me realize that I will not have such an open schedule to work on these things come fall. I will be a TA all next year, plus 10 hours a week on more research assistantship duties. I'm already looking into daycare arrangements for Julia, but I know that I won't have a lot of that time for my own work like I did this past year. So I really need to make the most of these precious free hours I have right now, before the school year starts. And if I can get these projects done, then all next year I can start proposing the dissertation, and that's a year of guaranteed funding with these assistantships. Delay it by even one semester, and I might not have funding for that semester (though I hope to, but it's not guaranteed). So even though it may be expensive, it's worth paying a sitter for a few days a week to really get some work done.
And that's what I've done, and it's been hard, hard work. I lost one paper along the way (you think I'd KNOW by now to back up my stuff regularly!), and also got stinging, smarting emails from Dear Advisor (though I suspect not as harsh as I'd heard others receive, so I'm grateful for that). Right now, today, everything's looking pretty good. Let's hope it stays that way. But I will be glad when all I have to do after dinner is put my feet up and chill, rather than head back to that computer and try AGAIN to cut down a long-ass paper that already feels incredibly distilled to me.
It'll be worth it, perhaps I'll be a candidate in a month or so. Wish me luck.
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Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
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Well, then. On Friday Neil and I celebrated ten years of marriage together. How amazing is that?
Ten. Years.
Man, we feel old.
I mean, 1998 isn't that long ago, right? It's like, really close to 2000. Which was practically yesterday. I mean, it's only 2008. Which is... eight years after 2000.
Shit.
1998 is as far away from now as 1988 was from 1998. And I guess 1998 was really that far away. Back then Neil and I were a mere 24 years old, fresh-ish out of college, about to embark on life as adults in the Real World. Weeks after the wedding I started my first proper career job in Philly, and after he got his green card sorted out he started a job that he stuck with all the way through law school. We bought a house two years later. We both went to lots of grad school, and between us finished three degrees (with another on the way). We made new friends, visited old friends, saw family get married and move nearby, then away again. Saw my parents finally divorce, and saw his parents' new marriages grow. We grew a miraculous, amazing kid, and are still blown away by her every day.
And what's awesome about the whole journey is that we have become a richer Andi and Neil, more like our true selves, throughout it all. And of course, we are bonded by the experiences we share together day in and day out. We are changing, and yet we are still us, and still deeply in love with what brought us together in the first place and what keeps us together today.
When we got married, I was convinced God brought us together and would keep us together. But now I don't feel God (whatever God is) has as much a hand in this as I thought s/he would. We keep us together, because we are authentic with each other and demand nothing less. We have seen our parents' first marriages fail, and today we see friends' marriages fail. We know we cannot take each other for granted, we know we must work and compromise with each other because we respect each other that much. When we married, I feared the future and not being able to know with absolute certainty that "we" would work out. And dear Neil reassured me, saying, "All you can do is give it your best every day. And those days will add up to years, and it'll work out."
So the days have added up, and here we are. Grateful and amazed and very happy.
I love you, my dearest one. Happy anniversary.
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finellasmuse's journal
anxious.
contemplative.
blah.
relaxed.
busy.
geeky.
accomplished.
loved.